i don't know. it's ...released something, relieved some kind of pressure. it's worked in one sense. i just think it wasn't worth the damage caused and also not worth having taken advantage of Roderick that way.
I think he thought he was taking advantage of me. right up until I unloaded my head on him.
sometimes, for a smart woman, I can be really stunningly stupid. it's a disservice to you and Barbara, but on some kind of deep level I don't really think of myself as mattering to people. old habits, I guess. I think you know how that is; it's different for Babs but neither of us is used to mattering, are we? we're an outside force that impacts people's lives dramatically and is gone. that's what we're used to being and there's a certain cognitive dissonance to living differently.
we never speak of the future and I think that's why.
I didn't and don't want to be dead, but dying isn't quite the same thing. I felt as though it would burn away all of the badness.
what I wasn't prepared for was the different badness it generated.
and no. I won't do that again. I mean it when I say I'm sorry.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2015-01-25 08:46 am (UTC)i don't know. it's ...released something, relieved some kind of pressure. it's worked in one sense. i just think it wasn't worth the damage caused and also not worth having taken advantage of Roderick that way.
I think he thought he was taking advantage of me. right up until I unloaded my head on him.
sometimes, for a smart woman, I can be really stunningly stupid. it's a disservice to you and Barbara, but on some kind of deep level I don't really think of myself as mattering to people. old habits, I guess.
I think you know how that is; it's different for Babs but neither of us is used to mattering, are we? we're an outside force that impacts people's lives dramatically and is gone. that's what we're used to being and there's a certain cognitive dissonance to living differently.
we never speak of the future and I think that's why.
I didn't and don't want to be dead, but dying isn't quite the same thing. I felt as though it would burn away all of the badness.
what I wasn't prepared for was the different badness it generated.
and no. I won't do that again. I mean it when I say I'm sorry.