video; spam

[anewlanguage]

[Cain has flour on his cheek, and he's in the kitchen, taking a break.] Y'know, worldwide there's room for comfort food after a real shitty day. I'm takin' requests.

Me, I always went for pierogis. Stayed in Poland just long enough to learn how to make 'em. [And to kill a diplomat. But. You know.] Kid seemed to like 'em pretty well, too. Pretty sure tastes change, though...

Anyway, give 'em here, give me all your requests.

Comments

[hellofist]

Most people know. Already asked them... not to kill you, remember?

[anewlanguage]

Sure, but do you want me tellin' em your baby stories?

[hellofist]

[Why did she do this? Why did she open herself up to this? It's stupid, she knows that, but she still doesn't cut the feed.]

Probably you, who shouldn't want it. Start with- two for flinching, maybe?

[surfaceshine]

Sweetheart.

[hellofist]

What?

[surfaceshine]

You good?

Private

[hellofist]

[Is he serious right now?]

No.

[At least she thinks to make this part private, though.]

Private

[surfaceshine]

[He's using video. She can see that he already knew the answer to that.]

Want me to shut 'im down?

[He doesn't really know how he's going to do that yet, but if she wants him to, he'll find a way.]

Private

[hellofist]

Won't change anything. He already- put it all out there. Can't take it back, now.

Private

[surfaceshine]

You tell me if you change your mind. I'll take the damn thing away.

Private

[hellofist]

Keep him away from CTS. Next... couple hours.

Private

[surfaceshine]

He doesn't go in there, but I will.

Text me when you're out. Okay?

Private

[hellofist]

[She wants to tell him no. She wants to just go into the CTS and not stop hitting things until she can't move and then she wants to see Merlin, she doesn't want to talk.

But it's Dean. She won't shut him out like that.]

Will later. Need time.

Private

[surfaceshine]

[It's Dean, who doesn't need to talk, and doesn't need her to talk; Dean who would sit and eat pancakes with her and fill the space between them with nonsense and noise and not expect a damn thing in return.

Dean, who gets it, as much as he doesn't want to and nods.]

Alright. You know where to find me, sweetheart.

[I'm sorry.]

Private

[hellofist]

It's not your fault. Will text, I promise.

[anewlanguage]

[It's been a rough month. When he talks to her--or when she is willing to talk to him--it hurts like hell, but he takes it eagerly because in some small way he thinks it will help her. Yes, hit back; that's how you recover.

Because of that he always tries to just keep his expression blank, the way he taught her. He knows full well she can see the little winces under the surface, but hiding it means he's capable of taking more.

But again, it's been a long month. His expression crumples for a full two seconds, and then he swallows hard and starts arranging ingredients.]

Wasn't- wasn't the story I was thinking of.

[hellofist]

[She's not sure if she should feel guilty or glad she's making her point, glad she's providing a counter-balance to him coming up with this image of a father who made snacks for his child. It's wrong, it feels wrong to let him do that, put himself out there like he's only a good man.

He has that in there somewhere, he has to. She believes he has to, because he wouldn't be here if he didn't have some chance at changing.]

No? Which one, then?

[anewlanguage]

[Dear God but he wants to just tell her to forget it and hang up now. But that's because answering means sticking his neck further out there, and he really doesn't want to.

But she's the one who gets to call the shots now. He decided that when he voluntarily went to prison.]

What, you really don't remember the chocolate covered strawberries? That time we slipped into the carnival after it closed? We climbed that ferris wheel, looked at the lights. First time you ever had chocolate.

Private

[hellofist]

[She hates him. She hates him so much right now that she knows if she was there in person, someone would have to pull her off him. She still remembers the last time they "talked" in person, she was able to stop herself from killing him then, as badly as he'd wanted it.

But she loves him, too. She loves him enough to make what she says next something only he will hear.]

No. I remember wanting love, but you- broke my lip, instead. I remember pain. Guns and knives and death. Nothing good.

First time I had chocolate? Not with you. Chocolate ice cream, with Barbara.

Private

[anewlanguage]

[He wishes constantly he'd done more with her, done things differently, but some things he remembers with so much affection it gets him through those hours when he'd really rather break into Dean's safe and find a gun.

She doesn't remember them.

Which makes him wonder if they happened at all.]

You can't mean that.

Private

[hellofist]

You didn't name me.

[She's so angry that it's easy to push out full sentences, now.]

You were a trainer. Never acted like father!

Private

[anewlanguage]

[He has justifications that he uses on every single other person who tries to yell at him on Cass's behalf. He won't use them on her. She'll see that he doesn't really believe them.]

And I should've! I know! There were times I did, don't tell me I never did. I know it wasn't enough, okay? I know I did wrong by you but I did show you things outside the training, I tried to let you smile sometimes-

[He yanks his self-control back up] Y'want me to forget all that, to never speak of it again, I will. I'm not tryin' to erase what I did to you.

Private

[hellofist]

[She did smile, with him. She remembers that, just like she remembers star gazing and her pride when he'd grin at her when she did something right and her awe when he would move, when he would hurt people. She remembers bicycles made for two.

But there's more, there's things that should have made her cry but didn't because it was conditioned out of her.]

Don't forget it. Remember it. Know that... you could have done it right. You chose to do it wrong.

Tell people you... made me food, if you want. But don't hide behind... few good things you did, to make up for bad. Don't pretend to be... something you aren't.

Private

[anewlanguage]

[His expression closes off tight, becoming the same non-expression he'd always had when he was waiting to see what she'd do independently. It usually preceded a test. But unlike then, this time he nods.]

'Kay.

I should get back to work before the Warden decides to be a slave driver.

Private

[hellofist]

[Conversational, like he's heard nothing she said, but he did. It'll stay with him.

It's still disgusting to hear and to see, so she turns off the feed without another word.]