anewlanguage | Forward dated to after Iris-Roderick shenanigans

Forward dated to after Iris-Roderick shenanigans

[Private to Barbara Gordon]

We oughta do a check in, you and me.

[he's seething but managing to hide it. Kind of.]

[Private to Iris]

[This is the first time she's ever death tolled that he hasn't waited at her side for her to wake up. But he knows himself, and he knows that right now the safest thing for everyone is if he is nowhere near her.

So instead there's a message waiting for her.]

You've got a lot of fuckin' nerve doing what you did, darlin'.

[spam]

[And between all that he'll be wandering, mostly hanging out at the pool, which so far has only pretty happy memories. Nothing that he has the urge to scream at or shoot; progress!

Feel free to come poke the bear.]

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i've been so nagry since the mirror. i just ...he asked and i grabbed the opportunity without thinking about any of th reasons why not. it was like lancing a boil. all that ugliness and all that pressure.

it didn't feel good. nothing about this is good. and i'm incurably selfish and horrible.

his warden's probably going to kill me all over again.

[The answer, of course, is neither. There's no one for him to wait for and drowning isn't on Dean's list of plans - too much room for error, too much agency from his own body and too many heroes around. If he's going down he wants to go down quickly and with certainty, not with the risk of brain damage or never waking up again.

Actually...

Nah. Dean switches the cigarette in question between fingers without looking, head tilted so he can see Cain from the corner of his eye but not looking at him either; he's looking at the water, or maybe through it.]

Depends on what you mean by that. Had this particular one about two days.

I know you have been. I've been trying to keep an eye out for stupid stunts like this because it's exactly the same bullshit I used to think would help but it doesn't, does it? Does it?

And when you say incurable you damn well better not be saying that this suicidal part of your selfishness is going to keep coming back.

i know you have.

i don't know. it's ...released something, relieved some kind of pressure. it's worked in one sense. i just think it wasn't worth the damage caused and also not worth having taken advantage of Roderick that way.

I think he thought he was taking advantage of me. right up until I unloaded my head on him.

sometimes, for a smart woman, I can be really stunningly stupid. it's a disservice to you and Barbara, but on some kind of deep level I don't really think of myself as mattering to people. old habits, I guess.
I think you know how that is; it's different for Babs but neither of us is used to mattering, are we? we're an outside force that impacts people's lives dramatically and is gone. that's what we're used to being and there's a certain cognitive dissonance to living differently.

we never speak of the future and I think that's why.

I didn't and don't want to be dead, but dying isn't quite the same thing. I felt as though it would burn away all of the badness.

what I wasn't prepared for was the different badness it generated.

and no. I won't do that again. I mean it when I say I'm sorry.

Edited 2015-01-25 11:01 (UTC)

[Some of it he might rationalize away for her, just like he does for his girlfriend or his former warden. The rest might surprise him if he ever hears it.]

Yeah? What'd they lock you up for, anything that might come in handy around here?

Yeah? Huh. This place is so boring you gotta throw in a habit that you won't be able to get a regular fix for?

[Since not many people on board smoke, and Cain doubts the Admiral hands them out for free.]

Uh...

Like, killing someone? 'Cause that's what it was. You think I'm gonna need to kill people here?

[Oh sure, go straight to the tough question.

He draws a slow breath in, and then nods once.]

In the wrong flood, yeah. At a bad port, yeah. When we get some asshole on board who thinks if he kills enough people he'll get sent home early, hell yeah.

People think that?

[That sounds impressively backwards.]

But it ain't true, right?

[The supply is actually the least of Dean's problems; it seems plenty of people around here will give him access to things just because of someone they knew once who is nothing like him, and it's been difficult not to take advantage of that for the sheer prolificness of it.

This is just one such example of that. Being in this room at all is another. ]

Maybe it's the habit that's too boring for me to bother committing to.

Why talk about the future? It's all more of the same, just in different places. [Maybe he's bitter, but he doesn't sound it. It's more a matter of this being something he has thought long and hard about over the past sixty-odd years.]

This isn't living different. You think you're the first person I've cared about who's gone and blown their brains out? I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person you gave a damn about who tried to pickle his liver or- [or any of the other things he's done to push and shove]

Iris, I just- I'm not sure I believe you.

[There is no answer for a long time.

Normally, the mental contact from the two timeships is a background hum, like listening to someone sleep; but now it rises in a muted swell of hurt.]

1. yes. I do.

2. no, you aren't.

3. because I've been in the habit of dishonesty with you, obviously?

Hell, even an exciting habit might not be enough for you to put a ring on.

What does that even mean?

[He gives him a dry look] You don't need a translation. Besides, even if I gave you one, you'd get your hackles all up. If you're gonna smoke you may as well get fifteen minutes to pretend you're relaxing.

[Dean, unimpressed by the look, gives it straight back.]

Which is, naturally, why you're talking to me at all.

More than one seems to have, yeah. They don't last very long around here.

And nah. No matter who you kill, you ain't getting sent home for it.

Good, 'cause I don't want to get sent back anyway. I like it here.

Well you aren't the first, and this ain't about honesty. You made damn sure you didn't lie about this, didn't you? You're drawn to people who struggle with the notion of not killing people. But lately you've been pushing a gun in their hands and egging 'em on, and you have never been dishonest about it.

If Harvey came back here all relapsed, how long would it be before you were letting him beat you to death for catharsis? Or hell, just for fun.

Yeah, well, it's not like I'm keeping you from it. D'you even know how to relax? Cause I can't read a single muscle in you that seems like you do.

[He chuckles] I could hug you. At least someone around here gets it.

Does everyone else hate it or something? Why?

Yeah, you know how it goes. People fucked up their lives back home, or had 'em fucked up for them, they're angry about it, got no idea what to do with all that anger.

[She shrugs.]

Ain't much to be angry about here, as far as I can see.

Not around here, not much. But baggage kinda carries, you know? Sometimes it creeps up. [He eyes her. A murderer is not without baggage; either she's dealt with hers (and should be a Warden), or she's buried it deep.]

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Forward dated to after Iris-Roderick shenanigans

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