anewlanguage | Forward dated to after Iris-Roderick shenanigans

[Private to Barbara Gordon]

We oughta do a check in, you and me.

[he's seething but managing to hide it. Kind of.]

[Private to Iris]

[This is the first time she's ever death tolled that he hasn't waited at her side for her to wake up. But he knows himself, and he knows that right now the safest thing for everyone is if he is nowhere near her.

So instead there's a message waiting for her.]

You've got a lot of fuckin' nerve doing what you did, darlin'.

[spam]

[And between all that he'll be wandering, mostly hanging out at the pool, which so far has only pretty happy memories. Nothing that he has the urge to scream at or shoot; progress!

Feel free to come poke the bear.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

anewlanguage

Well it obviously wasn't a factor in you getting some help that didn't come with a death. I sure hope you weren't thinking about me when you pulled that stunt.

From:

routemistress

hell fuck no.

I should have been. That would have stopped me.

i'm sorry

From:

anewlanguage

[The apology quiets him for a while, drains some of the anger out of him. But that leaves only hurt to deal with, and that's worse.]

I'm gonna need some time to get my head around it.

From:

routemistress

i've been so nagry since the mirror. i just ...he asked and i grabbed the opportunity without thinking about any of th reasons why not. it was like lancing a boil. all that ugliness and all that pressure.

it didn't feel good. nothing about this is good. and i'm incurably selfish and horrible.

his warden's probably going to kill me all over again.

From:

anewlanguage

I know you have been. I've been trying to keep an eye out for stupid stunts like this because it's exactly the same bullshit I used to think would help but it doesn't, does it? Does it?

And when you say incurable you damn well better not be saying that this suicidal part of your selfishness is going to keep coming back.

From:

routemistress

i know you have.

i don't know. it's ...released something, relieved some kind of pressure. it's worked in one sense. i just think it wasn't worth the damage caused and also not worth having taken advantage of Roderick that way.

I think he thought he was taking advantage of me. right up until I unloaded my head on him.

sometimes, for a smart woman, I can be really stunningly stupid. it's a disservice to you and Barbara, but on some kind of deep level I don't really think of myself as mattering to people. old habits, I guess.
I think you know how that is; it's different for Babs but neither of us is used to mattering, are we? we're an outside force that impacts people's lives dramatically and is gone. that's what we're used to being and there's a certain cognitive dissonance to living differently.

we never speak of the future and I think that's why.

I didn't and don't want to be dead, but dying isn't quite the same thing. I felt as though it would burn away all of the badness.

what I wasn't prepared for was the different badness it generated.

and no. I won't do that again. I mean it when I say I'm sorry.

Edited Date: 2015-01-25 11:01 am (UTC)

From:

anewlanguage

Why talk about the future? It's all more of the same, just in different places. [Maybe he's bitter, but he doesn't sound it. It's more a matter of this being something he has thought long and hard about over the past sixty-odd years.]

This isn't living different. You think you're the first person I've cared about who's gone and blown their brains out? I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person you gave a damn about who tried to pickle his liver or- [or any of the other things he's done to push and shove]

Iris, I just- I'm not sure I believe you.

From:

routemistress

[There is no answer for a long time.

Normally, the mental contact from the two timeships is a background hum, like listening to someone sleep; but now it rises in a muted swell of hurt.]

1. yes. I do.

2. no, you aren't.

3. because I've been in the habit of dishonesty with you, obviously?

From:

anewlanguage

Well you aren't the first, and this ain't about honesty. You made damn sure you didn't lie about this, didn't you? You're drawn to people who struggle with the notion of not killing people. But lately you've been pushing a gun in their hands and egging 'em on, and you have never been dishonest about it.

If Harvey came back here all relapsed, how long would it be before you were letting him beat you to death for catharsis? Or hell, just for fun.

From:

routemistress

i think i need to work out how to stop doing that.

[HALP]

From:

anewlanguage

[That...that is not what he expected.]

...Well at least you're not the only one in the conversation who's had to figure out how to ditch the piss-poor coping skills.

From:

routemistress

dying does, i'm afraid, clear the mind terribly.

i don't entirely know how to stop wanting it, but i'll work that out as i go. just - please remind me of this. the next disaster, the next fall.

you'll see it.

[She types this quickly and sloppily, and hits send before she has time for second thoughts. It's easier not seeing him, not being seen, just this once.]

Edited Date: 2015-02-07 07:09 am (UTC)

From:

anewlanguage

Yeah. You're damn right I will.

You should talk to Barbara. She's more likely to hit you than I am. [Which really means Barbara is deeply hurt and Cain doesn't think it should be set aside for very long.]

From:

routemistress

ouch. yes.

thank you <3 <3

From:

anewlanguage

...Thank you's about the last thing I thought I'd hear.

[He wants to stay angry at her and can't, which means that he's sinking rapidly into the sheer hurt of it all.

Which means it's time for exercise and liquor.]

Look, just- get in touch if you need it.

From:

routemistress

[I need you now, she thinks, and then she doesn't say it.]

i'm not so stupid that i don't know things need to change. just apparently stupid enough not to let me have seen it coming.

you have always been a powerful force for keeping me honest. and I do need that.

[And I love you. But she doesn't say that either.]

From:

anewlanguage

[He's not above his own bad habits, his own unproductive circles. He thinks how unsettling it is to be so hurt and to realize you still love the person behind it, and he thinks about how there are only two people he's ever felt like that toward. And thinking about the last time he felt like this, he decides he still deserves the hurt part at least.

He doesn't say so, of course. And he swallows it back and tries to find some useful thing to do with the conflicting feelings.]

Well you can count on it, then.